Recently I've had an apathetic attitude towards... well, life I guess.
It all started a couple of weeks back. It was my birthday, and despite assurances that folk would turn out and make it a weekend to remember, it wasn't. It was a lacklustre affair; only a couple of people I would consider my closest friends came, and of those that didn't, few offered any sort of an apology, and in most cases their excuses were flimsy at best.
Afterwards, any attempt at communication with some has just been met by a brick wall of acknowledgement; just about registering the attempt, but brushing it off with little, or no, attempt of conversation.
Needless to say, the past few weeks have passed with an overwhelming feeling of isolation.
When things like this happen, I generally do something stupid.
I stumbled across this poem and given my current state of mind, it feels quite relevant towards a specific person.
I dreamt I'd convince you.
I dreamt you would love me
and I too would love you.
I dreamt of perfection,
a dream so romantic.
I dreamt you would smile
and carefully panic.
I dreamt you would hug me.
I dreamt we would both see,
together we're better -
I dreamt you weren't choosy.
I dreamt up the ways
of how I could tell you.
I dreamt up bouquets
and a time and place too.
I dreamt that I told you.
I dreamt that I could do.
I dreamt that it happened.
I dreamt of a breakthrough.
Instead i told you
at 3am drunk on Facebook
and i took it back the next morning
(Found here - http://hellopoetry.com/poem/imperfect-perfection-1)
It pretty much sums up how I think, and then what I actually do.
Not this time.
I'm sick of making excuses. Of making the effort and being thrown back. Of being the instigator.
I do dream of this. Of all of it.
But I'm done with putting myself out there, just to be left in the cold.
It's your turn to start something.
Or not. I'm fine with it either way.