Thursday, 16 June 2011

08. Seventy times seven and/or there is no 'I' in team, depending on which record you bought first; A double entendre.

A quick note before I start this one. I think it is safe to assume from now on weekly updates are not going to happen. I'll do my best, but, I'm not promising anything.

   On the hobby front, I finally got round to building my grey knight models
So far this consists of;

15 power armoured grey knights (PAGK),
15 grey knight terminators (GKT); 2 squads of 5, and 1 squad of 5 paladins,
1 Grand master (Calgar conversion),
1 Land raider.

That is all at the moment. I'll save photos and other assorted ramblings about them for my Bolter and Chainsword blog (see the toolbar on the left), and I'll post a little filler blog on here when that goes live.

   I decided last week to visit one of my friends. I've mentioned this individual before...sort of. (See 02. April fools is for fool's)
Yes, that one. I know what you are probably thinking.
Yes I am an idiot.
It is hard to explain, as these things always are, but I can't help myself.

   Anyway, the first day went rather well. I had a good time with this person and their friends, but I couldn't shake the feeling that something I wouldn't like was going to happen. The individual in question kept sneaking in mentions of a 'friend' who was coming in a couple of days. Cutting a long story short, a couple of days later my feeling proves to be right, leaving me, well, you get the idea.
Idiot, I know. Yet, while  it hurts, which is their doing, I acknowledge they owe me nothing. They have made no promises. It is all me. Yeah, idiot, I know. Don't remind me.

  The instant this happened a song popped into my head that described exactly how I was feeling. (See video/Lyrics)
Seventy Times Seven - Brand New.

"Back in school they never taught us
what we needed to know
Like how to deal with despair
or someone breakin your heart
For twelve years I've held it all together
but a night like this is beggin to pull me apart
I played it quiet left you deep in conversation
I felt uncool and hung out around the kitchen
I remember I kept thinking
that I know you never would
And now I know I want to kill you
like only a best friend could

Everyone's caught on to everything you do
Everyone's caught on to...

As if it happening wasn't enough
I got to go and write a song
just to remind myself how bad it sucked
Ignore the sun, covers over my head
Wrote a message on my pillow that says
"Jesse, stay asleep in bed"
Don't apologize (I hope you choke and die!)
Search your cell for something which to hang yourself
They say you need to pray
if you want to go to heaven
But they don't tell you what to say
when your whole life has gone to Hell!

Everyone's caught on to everything you do
Everyone's caught on to...
Everyone's caught on to
(and I can't let you let me down again)
everything you do
Everyone's caught on to...
(and I can't let you let me down again)

So is that what you call a getaway?
Tell me what you got away with
Cause I've seen more spine on jellyfish
I've seen more guts on eleven-year-old kids
Have another drink and drive yourself home
I hope there's ice on all the roads
And you can think of me when you forget your seatbelt
and again when your head goes through the windshield

Is that what you call tact?
You're as subtle as a brick in the small of my back
So let's end this call and end this conversation
And is that what you call a getaway?
Tell me what you got away with
Cause you left the frays from the ties you severed
when you say "best friends" means friends forever

Is that what you call a getaway?!!
Tell me what you got away with!!
Cause I've seen more spine on jellyfish!!
I've seen more guts on eleven-year-old kids!!
Have another drink and drive yourself home!!
I hope there's ice on all the roads!!
And you can think of me when you forget your seatbelt
then when your head goes through the windshield!!

(I can't let you let me down again)
Everyone's caught on to everything you do
(and I can't let you let me down again)
Everyone's caught on to...
(I can't let you let me down again)
Everyone's caught on to everything you do
(and I can't let you let me down agai
Everyone's caught on to..."

  I know it is a tad cruel, but this is honestly how I felt. I lay in bed that night, shaking in rage, anger, disappointment, sadness and whatever else.
   The next day I decided to head home early. Weirdly me and my friend spent the rest of the day together, and had an amazing time, of which I'll spare you the details. This; coupled with the fact that they have no 'official' knowledge of how I feel, and thus have no obligations to those feelings, made something inside me click.
The title of the song that popped into my head; Seventy Times Seven, has another meaning.

The Parable of the unmerciful servant.

"21Then Peter came to Jesus and asked, “Lord, how many times shall I forgive my brother when he sins against me? Up to seven times?”
22Jesus answered, “I tell you, not seven times, but seventy-seven times.
23“Therefore, the kingdom of heaven is like a king who wanted to settle accounts with his servants. 24As he began the settlement, a man who owed him ten thousand talents was brought to him. 25Since he was not able to pay, the master ordered that he and his wife and his children and all that he had be sold to repay the debt.
26“The servant fell on his knees before him. ‘Be patient with me,’ he begged, ‘and I will pay back everything.’ 27The servant’s master took pity on him, cancelled the debt and let him go.
28“But when that servant went out, he found one of his fellow servants who owed him a hundred denarii. He grabbed him and began to choke him. ‘Pay back what you owe me!’ he demanded.
29“His fellow servant fell to his knees and begged him, ‘Be patient with me, and I will pay you back.’
30“But he refused. Instead, he went off and had the man thrown into prison until he could pay the debt. 31When the other servants saw what had happened, they were greatly distressed and went and told their master everything that had happened.
32“Then the master called the servant in. ‘You wicked servant,’ he said, ‘I cancelled all that debt of yours because you begged me to. 33Shouldn’t you have had mercy on your fellow servant just as I had on you?’ 34In anger his master turned him over to the jailers to be tortured, until he should pay back all he owed.
35“This is how my heavenly Father will treat each of you unless you forgive your brother from your heart.” - Mathew 18."

  I'm not getting into a debate about religion, my views on that are a simple mix of agnosticism (based on the lack of irrefutable proof either way) and tolerance and acceptance of all religions (based on respect for individual liberties).

  The Bible can be interpreted in many ways, indeed, this small parable can be interpreted with similar ambiguity. For me, in the context of my situation, it is about accepting the reality of the situation, and not holding a grudge for something that, in all honesty, I would probably do myself in a similar situation.

  If you're reading this,  小紅 (Xiǎo hóng lóng) you are forgiven (Yeah, I did use Google translate...I don't know Chinese) and I think you should know, that in a primary school kinda way, I think I'm starting to hate you too. A lot (which will only make sense if you remember what we were talking about before I went home).

Yeah, idiot, I know. Don't remind me.

- DH -

Thursday, 2 June 2011

07. The end and the beginning.

I finally have finished my second year at University.

I can honestly say that it has been terrible in comparison with the first. The course content was much more challenging than last year, and there was also a considerably larger amount of work to wade through as well. Not only that but I have not enjoyed the social side of this year as much either. To be honest, that is a bit of an understatement. It's been unbearable at times.

  I'll start with the more academic side of things this time around, mainly because it is pretty short. I spoke with one of my tutors (Sources and Debates) and it turned out I'd done fairly well in my extended essay. We had a chat about what I could do better and the like, and then went on to the subject of dissertations.
The thought terrifies me. I struggled to find 4,000 words, let alone 10,000!
But after talking to him about it I feel a little more relaxed, even if I have no idea what I'm going to write about.

  As much as I'd like to vent about the social aspect I won't. I'm not as fucking childish as some people. All I'm going to say is stop being jealous of something I don't have. I've never had any animosity towards you, but from now on, don't expect any quarter from me.
If you're reading this and it you think 'this is about me right?' it probably is. Grow up.

That is all.

I'll be going back home on the weekend. Hobby/Work and general 'good time' orientated blogging will ensue.

Thank Fuck.


Play this game. It is WIN -